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Monday, November 24, 2008

Just Done!!!

I've had it!! No, really. I'm worn right out.

Yesterday, I logged onto Facebook and saw my brothers status "hanging out in Oahu with a friend". It just put me over the edge. I crawled off to my bed, bawling. It's not his fault. It just pointed out the glaring differences in our lives. In the last month he has been on a beach in Egypt, Florida, and now Hawaii. He also visited the Ukraine in that time. He flew over to Hawaii on a whim to see a friend for the weekend. Yet here I am killing myself to get enough money together to keep Sierra at BYU. I'm trying to raise an autistic child, keep my mother somewhat sane (no she's not truly loopy, just not really accepting reality), and have been taking care of my parents for the last 2 years. They lost their employment at 60 yrs old and moved in with us. I left my beautiful, huge, comfortable home, to come back to Canada for my son. It's hard. I don't have my husband here. I know I am doing what's best for him and apparently for my mother but crap people, I'm completely worn down emotionally.
I thought long and hard last night about where my blessings are for working so stinking hard to do for everyone else. Why does my brother, who breaks every commandment known to man get the cush life? Hmmmm? I was on my knees thanking Heavenly Father for some poor alzheimer guys donated dressers we got for free 3 weeks ago for my parents and Hunter. I've sacrificed my career, my education, and my health for my family and yet I'm sleeping on a second hand bed in an icky old house and still can't afford to buy a dresser. That donated bookshelf will have to do for now. I'm complaining, I know. I don't normally. And I'm coveting too. So what punishment do I get for that? No more second hand, 60 yr old, furniture? No more butchering the deer Dad shot? Yes, I know, be grateful for what you have. Blah, blah, blah! I am! Believe me, I love not having to keep my clothes in a suitcase anymore. I am glad to have a roof over my head. And most of the time I'm just fine with my situation in life. I'm just done. That's all, done. Need to go cry somemore.

2 Comments:

Lynn

Oh, Deanna, I don't know what to say except I love you, admire you and feel blessed to have known you and your family while you lived here...no platitudes...just sincere love, respect and awe in the beautiful and talented woman you are !

Love Always,
Lynn

Michemily

All the best from Germany. Sleep and/or chocolate and prayers usually seem to help.