Friday, May 21, 2010

Just pass me the cheese to go with my whine.....

If you're tired of my ranting, whining, complaining, inability to focus on the positive then stop reading now!! Fair warning!

I'm not writing this for you. I'm doing this because I might otherwise explode or do something detrimental. I am worn out! Ok that's not the worst of it. Ya know why I'm sitting here on a Friday night typing in my blog? 'Cause I have no friends. No, I'm serious......I really don't have any close friends, at least not ones that I feel close enough to bare my soul. Nope, easier to just lay it wide open here on the internet and hope for a kindness. I feel so very alone. Isolated from everyone and everything. I don't think anybody understands the level of despair I feel right now. I can't seem to make anything go right in my life. I can't! I can't do it anymore!!! I QUIT!!!! Ya, I quit life! I think it would be so much easier.
I feel taken advantage of by family. I feel that my generosity is abused by too many. Yet I can't seem to say no to anyone. I'm having a hard time finding anything positive just to hang on to. Does it matter?
Everything is driving me crazy. Little things, like the sound of people eating sends me right round the bend. I am so on edge. It's ridiculous and I know it but I can't seem to fix it.
I don't think I will ever own a home again. Yup. It's that bad. Our finances are a freaking disaster!!! I've gotten to the point where I've wondered if I can convert an old granary into something livable. Stupid, I got that. But at least I was looking for something positive. No, I'm not trying to beg for you to help me. Just venting. I've given and given and given. I just want something good to happen for me. Seriously, I can't understand it. I've tried all my life to make decent choices and yet it seems that all I get in return for helping others and trying to live a good life is crap. I have no home, a husband who can't seem to get his butt up here, no way to go back to him because he is in housing limbo and the schools are a mess for my son, my father actually thinks I am mooching off of him because he pays the utilities for the house, my brothers and sisters don't do anything to help relieve this burden and yet all I get is criticism. I have prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded and I that bad of a person? Have the choices I made in my life made me ineligible for the normal blessings that most people have in North America? Where have I gone wrong? How do I fix it? And where is my safety net of friends and family? Why am I there for others and no one for me? Does anyone even care? Would their caring matter anyway? Aaaaaa screw it!!! I give!



MY two cents.....go back to your husband. That has to be the worst drain on your marriage and life. Until you have him legally able to work in Canada then it just is not worth the seperation. Has it really been that great for your Son? I dont remember Cardston being THAT awesome. Good luck! Thanks for making me realize that my SMALL house woes are really nothing, and that I should just be greatful for what I do have.
Good luck....Your in my thoughts an prayers. And remember to remind your Dad who mooched off of who while they lived in your house before this move!
And tell them hi!